I am not!!!

downloadI am not what my face may say.

I am not my clothes that may not fit on certain days of the month.

I am not my tone… please understand that my forcefulness comes from my struggle.

I am not my hair that I continuously alter throughout the month.

I am not a toy, don’t put me in a box! Don’t toss me around!

I am not a mess although I feel like I need a deep cleanse.

I am not a child but God please bless me with one.

I am not who I was 10 years ago, five, hell, last year.

I am not who YOU want me to be…I will never be.

I am not just somebody… please don’t confuse me with just somebody.

I am not what you think I am…I never have and I never will be!

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When it Rains it Pours

My good friend… who I threatened to hit with a water bottle after explaining to him that I was having a rough day, hit me with this one liner “when it rains it pours”. I walked away wondering what had pushed him to his point.

Just when you think everything is going your way…

Just when you go to take a sip of tea from your bright pink coffee mug…

Just when you go to start your car…

Just when you go to say good morning to your better half…

Just when you go to walk through the doors of your work place

Everything comes crashing down faster than you could celebrate, finish the sip of breakfast tea, turn on your favorite tune, finish the greeting “good morning”, or turn on your computer.

I usually go to sleep at night pumping myself up for challenges that I may face the next day. I try to avoid complaining because complaints mean nothing unless I am coming up with a plan of attack. I prefer to eat two to three hours before I shut my eyes because I don’t want to wake up feeling sick. Some days, my nightly rituals mean nothing. Some days…

The best thing about “some days” is that there is always another side to the story. All of those “just whens” that came before the “faster thans” become “because of’s”. Hear me out…

The tea bag busted open in my tea cup because I pulled the string out the bag and let it steep longer than usual.

My car didn’t auto start this morning because I didn’t fill the tank the night before which caused me to be late for work.

My boyfriend rolled over groggy and cranky… full of complaints because of his allergies. The humidifier went out last night.

I received three mean emails from parents because their child did not bring home the rubric and grade for an assignment.

Everything happens for a reason. It is important to keep that thought at hand. If everything went my way, life would be boring. There will never be a perfect life/perfect moment. I need these problems to keep me on my toes. I need these problems to remind me that I’m living. 

When it rains it pours… but the sun does shine again! 

~FTID

Fresh Squeezed…

 

ezgif-com-gif-makerThis past year has brought many lemons into my life. Yes! I am very aware of the lemonade quote….very aware! But…

What do you do when you’re tired of drinking lemonade? What do you do when you run out of azucar? What about pitchers! What do you do when you can’t fill another pitcher? A few months ago, I would have paid someone to take those lemons off my shoulder. One after another, they fell…

Lemon: Lost

Lemon: Alone

Lemon: Scared

Lemon: Puzzled

Lemon: Afraid

Lemon: Regret

With each lemon came a price to pay. With each lemon,  another tear was shed from the awful bitterness (yuck). So many lemons and not enough time to squeeze juice from the first bunch. What was I doing wrong? Who deserves this?

In reality, I was blind. I mean, I am blind. I can’t see a darn thing without my glasses. This impairment was very different. See, I was blind as in FOCUSED (zoned in) on the things I couldn’t change. I was in a very negative space that changed my perception of everything that was happening around me. I became numb. I lost me. 

The big breakthrough… (the realization, wake up call, the finale)

It took time. It took a reminder from a few close friends (close friends, thank you). It took one tragic fall to wake up and realize that I was losing control and I desperately needed to gain it back. I finally started to remember how I ended up in this dark space in the first place… my intuition misfired. If intuition is our special key to understanding the world then how can it be wrong? What really happened was that I FELL ( like the lady from the Life Alert commercial) and needed help getting up, but no energy to press the button.

Did I really want to get up?  Some days, that cold floor felt comfortable. No, I’m really glad I got up.

I stood up proudly and I gathered my lemons (boy were there millions) and I did what I know how to do best… got creative…I made lemonade. Strawberry lemonade (compromises), passion fruit lemonade (risks), blue raspberry lemonade (changes), kiwi lemonade (refocusing), but my favorite was straight (clean, neat, straight to the point).

I never really took the time to think about how it was made, but I know one thing… I now love the taste of it. Let me be more specific, I love it chilled or frozen, super sweet, and served in a large glass. I will have it mixed… only if I can still taste the tanginess and the sugar covers up the addends (give it to me straight).

When life gives you lemons…get creative with it… make some outrageously flavored lemonade. Embrace the tanginess (journey). 

~FTID

 

 

…That’s What Friends are For!

recite-aooq9nI have always been one of those people that needed to know the answer to questions. Specifically, if I lose a friend, a boyfriend, get in an argument, earn something, etc, I need to know the reason why? Without this information, I tend to develop my own reasons based on my schema of similar situations.

Of course, I have a story that tightly relates to this.

I had this friend, unlike any friend that I have ever had before. I only had an opportunity to work with her for a short amount of time, but that didn’t stop us from enjoying everyday outside of school together. I could tell that she was a genuine friend and knew that my friendship meant a lot to her (vice versa). It felt good to be valued and needed.

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