If Only You Could See Me…The Real Me!


Sunday’s are rough for me. I try to spend most of my Sunday’s with the music blasting and over organizing minutia (keeps my brain distracted). Undeniably, I miss my younger sister (who I wish was a brother) dearly. Long story short… we lost each other in transition.

A spiritual adviser told me that my mom (rest in peace) wanted my sister and me to rekindle our relationship. Wait a minute!!!

I never stopped loving my sister, no way, no how…we just grew apart. Our beliefs are different, we are tough lovers, and we have never gotten along. At one point, I was for sure that she absolutely hated me and grew afraid to sleep in the bedroom that we once shared (one eye opened).

All jokes aside, I’ve always dreamed of having an open relationship with my sister. Calling her for advice, sharing memories, making memories, lifting each other up…life would feel even more complete. Sadly, right now, that is not our reality (yet). Our calls tend to go”

Me: Hi lady, how’s it going?          Her: Good. I’m okay! (never asking about me)

Me: How are the boys?                  Her: They are good.

Me: Okay…how’s work?                 Her: Good!

Me: Good. Proud of you!                Her: Thanks!

Followed by some “love ya’s.” I wish that there was more.

Scared to face confrontation, I bite my tongue and try to never bring up the matters that mean the most to me. I crack jokes, to avoid talking about real issues. Honestly, my sister is the only one that can evoke memories from the past and cause the type of emotional pain that leaves my heart feeling heavy and a large lump in my throat.

So I guess, I’m getting what I am putting in. Just like any other relationship, familial relationships can be just as tough. I don’t have the answer or perfect solution to this situation, but I know that I need her in my life for more than just a distant friend.

I need her because I need to be a part of my nephews lives (they need to know that I am their second biggest fan). I need her because she stopped getting to know me. She has to get to know me so that others (irrelevant family members) perceptions of me don’t continue to cloud her view. I need her because she is all I have left.



Closure Pt.1


tumblr_o1d8jktnms1v60qbbo1_400It’s Friday! Here, near Chicago, it’s freezing, but the sun is shining bright. It felt great to wake up and feel the warmth hit the side of my face. It felt even better when I realized that today is our County Wide Institute day (dismissal at 1:15)…whoop whoop (dancing in my head). My super awesome better half is taking me to Medieval Times for the first time… (surprise). I am also taking some time to go and get a mani, pedi, and take care of my uni-brow that is starting to form.

Okay, seriously though, the best part of today is the feeling of closure. I can’t  ( I want to so badly) go in to direct details just yet (saving that for another post), but I will say that I am feeling a sense of closure that I have been waiting on for over 17 years.

Here are a few clues…

  • I went to a medium (spiritual counselor)
  • It has a lot to do with my mother and great-grandmother (momma)
  • A specific question(s) that I have asked myself (beat myself up over) has been answered
  • Many feelings have been confirmed

Overall, I am excited to share my closure… not only with those close to me…I am excited to share it with everyone. Currently, I am taking time to soak up and make sense of what was shared.

Until then, it’s Friday! The sun is shining bright!
How are you celebrating?